Why do I feel so shitty? It's like I have no motivation and I'm so, so, blocked, sometimes I can't even think of a silly status to write on FB, it's so scary and I feel a bit shocked after the events of the weekend, I mean it's just been one disappointment after the other lately and all the hard work and effort that goes into everything and not to mention the cost of doing everything, and all you get rewarded with is a kick in the teeth and not so much as even a thank you from any of these b**** and w******* promoters that we've been involved with. So we've had to have a rethink about the way we are doing things, there are lots of things I can do on a personal level to improve what I do and I will be addressing these, but sometimes I feel so much despair because it really is difficult and soul destroying and without wanting to wallow in self pity, I can understand why loads of bands become disillusioned. So my emotions are in a crisis, at least I managed to write all this

I'm back

Oh God, why have I been so blocked? I haven't been able to write anything for ages, let alone lyrics for new songs , I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but something has to shift, well at least this is a start it is a bit like doing the morning pages. I think the whole mess started when I thought I was going to be made redundant from my job and all of a sudden it was like, who is going to pay the bills and my whole security went out the window. Since then I have suffered panic attacks just about every day before going to work, as I fear something will happen to make me late, sometimes I am in such a state that I have to take Valium! And it's like Gerald said to me, none of it is real because it hasn't actually happened yet. So I have been doing my best to get this under control and it is getting slightly better, but still, I can really do without it. I didn't even feel rested when we went away to Cape Verde, it's like something deep inside of me has gone to sleep and I need to wake up my feelings and emotions again. Sometimes I get freaked out because I struggle to remember what Africa and my childhood was like , have I become so European now, I never wanted to lose my identity, which is ironic because for years I didn't know where I belonged, which might seem a strange thing to say, although it makes sense to me.
Then there was all that nasty business with Zeus, the stray cat and how I thought I was really helping him, by transporting him all the way to South London to his new "owners" and then he ends up dead because of some selfish idiots who didn't deserve to have an animal in the first place. I feel guilty because he was so desperate to be loved and he trusted us. What suffering humans cause.