I'm back

Oh God, why have I been so blocked? I haven't been able to write anything for ages, let alone lyrics for new songs , I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but something has to shift, well at least this is a start it is a bit like doing the morning pages. I think the whole mess started when I thought I was going to be made redundant from my job and all of a sudden it was like, who is going to pay the bills and my whole security went out the window. Since then I have suffered panic attacks just about every day before going to work, as I fear something will happen to make me late, sometimes I am in such a state that I have to take Valium! And it's like Gerald said to me, none of it is real because it hasn't actually happened yet. So I have been doing my best to get this under control and it is getting slightly better, but still, I can really do without it. I didn't even feel rested when we went away to Cape Verde, it's like something deep inside of me has gone to sleep and I need to wake up my feelings and emotions again. Sometimes I get freaked out because I struggle to remember what Africa and my childhood was like , have I become so European now, I never wanted to lose my identity, which is ironic because for years I didn't know where I belonged, which might seem a strange thing to say, although it makes sense to me.
Then there was all that nasty business with Zeus, the stray cat and how I thought I was really helping him, by transporting him all the way to South London to his new "owners" and then he ends up dead because of some selfish idiots who didn't deserve to have an animal in the first place. I feel guilty because he was so desperate to be loved and he trusted us. What suffering humans cause.